Anger Management

What are the causes of anger?

How can you manage anger?

Why does it cause so much destruction?

Anger is an emotion that we feel when we are annoyed or enraged by something or someone. We all have felt angry at some point of our day. Whether we like it or not, we are always going to be angry at ourselves, others and sometimes God.

Why do we get angry?

Anger has three major causes. These three factors are not meant to disregard other causes of anger, I encourage you to research more for a broad understanding. The following are three major causes of anger.

1. Frustrations: Webster dictionary describes frustration as a state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs. I don’t know about you but when reading this definition I could just remember all the instance I got angry at others, myself and God. We get angry when we feel and sometimes know that others or ourselves or God is unable or delaying to meet our needs and, these further causes insecurities and dissatisfaction. Frustrations also happens when we agree with ourselves and others on assurance of our safety and fulfillment of our needs, but then, they or we, fail on that agreement or our expectations are not met.
2. Hurt: Emotional pain and anguish is another cause of anger. When someone hurts you, it makes you feel like a target. We now know, you are a target either because you are at the top meaning you are strong or at the bottom meaning you are weak. When someone or something hurts us, we feel vulnerable and exposed, this makes us angry because we feel incapable of protecting ourselves or at least creating a cover.
3. Fear: We get alarmed and anxious all the time. Fear makes you feel like you are in danger and you need to protect yourself. Anger in this sense acts as a defense to our psyche to protect us from harm

Why does anger cause destruction?

Anger has caused harm, injury and death to self, others and properties. we hear, read and watch stories about crimes of passion, death and harm caused by anger. So what causes uncontrolled anger to a point of such destruction?

Anger is an emotion that is processed in a small organ in our brain called the amygdala. We now know through brain studies that the emotional center of our brain (amygdala) is in constant battle with the frontal lobe, which is located just above our eyes. The frontal lobe is like the brain’s executive, logical and rational decision maker. But when we are emotional heightened with emotions like anger, the activities on the frontal lobe is significantly diminished, meaning that in a state of heightened anger, we simply don’t think rationally, and this causes destruction.

This is the reason we advocate that, you don’t act out of anger, because you will not be thinking “straight”

Anger management

Anger management revolves around the causes. To manage anger for yourself or someone you are trying to help, ask and find solutions to the following.

1. What is frustrating you? The answers are followed by managed expectations. Managing your expectations from yourself and others can greatly reduce frustrations. In addition to the above, also find healthy and positive ways to fulfill your needs, make sure your needs are well defined and understood, then have a clear plan of ways those needs are going to be met.
2. What or who is hurting you? The answers may be followed by assertive training, to stand up to people and things that are hurting you. When you are being hurt, two people are at fault, the person hurting you and yourself, therefore ask yourself, “what is it about you that makes you a target?” learn also to say no.
3. What or who are you afraid of? The answers may be followed by managing your fears. We now know that more that 80% of what we are afraid of don’t come to pass. When it comes to relationships and the fear of abandonment, strive to be independent, care and love yourself and, form healthy, positive, nurturing and supportive relationships that makes you feel safe.

I hope that these helps you know and understand anger and how to manage it. Remember, therapy really helps, therefore reach out for help if need be.

TRUST…. The glue of any relationship

Trust….. Trust the glue that hold any kind of relationship(s), for one simple reason that, human beings are complicated and are in a race of life to understand themselves let alone understand someone else. But even in the quest of knowing self, we need relationships, with our parent, Co workers, employers, employees, children, friends, lovers and the list is endless.

From the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep, you are going to be involved in some kind of a relationship.

You wake up and you have a relationship with your alarm clock or phone TRUSTING that it is going to alert you to wake up, you drive or take a bus to work TRUSTING that the driver, the car and the bus driver and the people on the road are going to get you to where you are going, TRUSTING that the relationships at work will be cooperative….

What trust does is code a statement on our mind that no matter how complicated you are I AM GOING TO HOLD YOU ON YOUR WORD that WHATEVER YOU SAID YOU WILL HONOR and therefore I can continue living my life and you will continue living your life without FEAR of the other party breaking their word and breaking trust.

What trust does is, it secures our place in the past, in the present and it makes us look forward with optimism to the future.

Take a romantic relationship for example. When a couple’s relationship is established on trust, it makes their past experiences memorable, it makes their present experience worthwhile and inspire commitment and it makes them look towards the future, planning for a family, investments, travel and the future looks like a good place to be in.

But when trust is broken either because of infidelity, be it physical, emotional and even mental, our whole world view is broken down. The experiences of the future, present and the optimism of the future is whole broken down. And you start thinking that all the past experience was a lie, “who are you then? I thought I knew you, I identified with you, so if all that was a lie, then, who am I?” it makes you come to the reality that you were not special after all and that you are disposable after all. The present experience is shuttered and the future dreams are all masquerading as a huge fake. Not only that, broken trust makes your life break down, and you doubt your experience and your whole life in general because a relationship that made your whole life worthwhile is now all broken down to pieces.

It is a tough thing to go through, think about broken trust in business, at work and one that we are all aware about is, politics and religion. It breaks down our whole being. It makes us live like the world is this huge ball of rejection and you have to live a cautious life and no body is to be trusted. It makes us not achieve our full potential because we shy away from relationships which is an integral part of many of our successes.

Brings me to conclude that we all need a high sense of self awareness, that will bring us to a high sense of intuition and wisdom, to be able to form relationships with honorable people who are able to honor their words, and to whom we would honor our words with, without the fear of double crossing in the background.

So help us God.

Inspired by Dr Jordan Peterson.

Dear Self… I am sorry.

Dear Self, I am sorry for letting you down in all the aspect of us, you are important to me but, I have neglected you so much and treated you as a second class part of this union, I am truly sorry.
1. Emotionally: I am sorry that I have not taken care of you, I have strived and learnt to take care of others but I have left you. I have loved and not gotten love back, I have gotten angry about things that doesn’t matter, I have felt jealous and forgot our growth, I have been heart broken by cheaters and lies at your expense, I have wasted tears on unnecessary things, I have become insecure and afraid about unknown things, I am really sorry for the torture that I have put you through.
2. Mentally: I have consumed the savings of my intellect and invested it in baseless and stupid arguments. I have allowed us to suffer mental anguish, depression and anxiety. Instead of investing in your healing, I have knocked you out with drugs, were you such a bother to me? 😭😭 I am so sorry. I have neglected knowledge and got enticed by foolishness, but the biggest mistake I have done, is I have thought about others first instead of us, and the worst of them all is that I have not harnessed the best of our abilities.
3. Spiritually: I am sorry for falling in the traps of heresies and bloodthirsty, greedy and selfish men and women of god and neglected the One true God, I am sorry because I have allowed this to drift us away from Him, I am sorry that I have killed us spiritually and feel so far away from our Maker, we have not drawn closer to Him but rather to other gods.
4. Financially: I am sorry about all the debts you incurred and have struggled to pay back, I am sorry for all those stupid financial decisions I have made, some were to impress others but they didn’t care about it, some was to take care of others but they care less about you, how many people owe you money? If they paid you you will have a fat bank account by now. I am sorry for having no savings for such a long time and having no investments either, you know how much this has hurt us, I am really sorry.
5. Physically: I have neglected this part of you, when was the last time I took you to the gym, when was the last time we ate fruits, when was the last time you took vegetables, when was the last time we had good rest, when was the last time we had a good sleep or vacation. I sorry for feeding our lungs with smoke and our blood with liquor, I am so sorry for hurting you this much.
6. Socially: I have neglected the part of us that needs to form friendships, when was your last date, when did you last have a good time with the one you love and laughed and cried together, I have put you through the fear of the torture of rejection, I am so afraid of rejection that I have not allowed us to venture out there, I truly sorry.

But I promise change, we got this dear Self, to experience the world more, to heal more, to have more, to rest more. I want to appreciate you more, to make more, save more and invest more, I love you so much and I will not continue to hurt you any more. Let us get out of anxiety and depression, let us draw closer to God, let us worship Him, adore Him and follow His ways, let us seek His kingdom for that is where our identity is, I mean we are a king, priest, heir and sons, let us know that. Let us love more, give more, let’s go for vacations more, let us rest more, let us grow more in all aspects, do and invest our dreams instead of chasing after them. No more hurt but more lessons, no more giving time to others and none for you. Let us seek freedom more, I will be your hero,… I love you.

Have Christians and Christianity failed?

Let us do some very simple math.. We are always told that Kenya has 80% Christians. Out of 40 Million Kenyans according to the past statistics, that make it 32 million Christians in Kenya. That is a very big number. Social researchers have found that, in a group of people, only 5% understand the aim and goals of a group. Out of 32 million remains 1.6 million people.

Let us do some more math. Imagine if our country had 32 million engineers who have been learning about engineering from a tender age and get lessons about it three or four times a week. I believe that this country would have amazing infrastructure, roads, building and be a hot bed of engineering prowess. Imagine if there were 32 million doctors, we would have the best healthcare in the world.

How is it then, that a country with 32 million Christians, who have been taught all their lives and attend church every Sunday and midweek services, has the world worst unchristian mannerisms?

If 32 million of us just kept the 10 commandments, we would not have murder, corruption will be nill, politics would be clean, adultery will be near zero, equity and equality for all… the list is endless.

But, ooh noo, corruption is at a all time high, tribalism is rife, hate, adultery, greed, strife, social injustice, and let me simplify it for you, YOU HAVE A PADLOCK OR LOCK ON YOUR DOOR in a country that 32 million of its citizen know that “Thau shall not steal”… the list is endless. What is happening?

Out of 32 million Christians, if we go with the social theory of 5% it means, there are only 1.6 million people who live according to the biblical teachings.

Christians, we all need to step up, repent and go back to the heart of worship. We should actually cast out our religiosity and Christianity and put on Christ, have a relationship with The Holy Spirit and do The Father’s will.

We are failing as a church and look at the results, we are failing our country and we are failing our world.

Look at the chain.. If we just loved our neighbors, just that one thing, we would have solved a huge percentage of the problems we face in this country. We would love our neighbors so much that we can’t allow the politicians to make us fight one another, we would love our neighbors so much that we will rise up with fists of justice to fight corruption because it will deny them rights and deny us our rights, we would love our neighbors so much that we would dare not have any affairs with their spouses…

Think about it my brothers and sisters, the country is waiting on you, the whole of you, 32 million of you and counting, waiting for you to rise up and rescue the country and the world. We are the light of the world, let us put it up. In God to God and through God, by His mercy, grace, knowledge and wisdom.

Your truly

Saitu Lemayian

@saitu1987

Bleaching and why people bleach

1. We all want to change something

Most of us if not all of us are not content with our bodies. We would wish to be a little bigger or a little smaller, a little shorter or a little taller. If we had the chance and the power, there is a lot that we could have changed. It is understandable therefore for someone to feel like they want to change the color of their skin, the same as a short person who would want to be taller just that they don’t have a formula yet.

2. Good marketing stunt

Advertisement love bright colors. Anything light or bright attracts the attention of humans and other animals including insects. We have been conditioned to get attracted to light things. It is no surprise then, that most light skin women get more attention than dark skin women. An advert with a white woman on it is more attractive than one with a black woman. It is the twist of the world we live in. But of course it is not a fact that light is more beautiful than dark skin, it is the consequence of long periods of conditioning that has made us feel and see it that way, and since the conditioning has happened and is still happening, conformity follows.

3. Social and peer pressure

It was and still is a common dialogue among men and women, that, the lighter you are, the higher the chances of you getting a mate. There was a wave of bleaching after these statements came out. Some women went bleaching because they wanted to get married or at least get a date.
Not only is the pressure coming from the need to get married, but in some areas, it is an added advantage when one is looking for a job and pursuing a career in the entertainment industry.

Some people on the other hand bleach because their peers are doing it and since they have a close social identity with the peer group, they bleach just like them so that they don’t feel like the odd one out.

4. Attention seeking stunt

Some people bleach just to get attention, nothing more. They become the center of attraction because of their skin color. I was watching a feature/documentary about bleaching in South Africa. One gentleman in his mid 20s was asked why he bleached his skin and the response was as simple as, “I bleached to become popular with the ladies.”

5. Inferiority complex

We have been taught by white supremacist groups in the west that everything and anything black is unattractive, evil, stupid, corrupted, primitive… and sadly, that rhetoric has gotten deeply entrenched in our psyche and some people feel that the only way to feel superior is by changing the color of their skin, become light like the “superior” race.

6. Identity conflict

We have heard of identity conflicts like transgender, trans age, trans-species, and yes, there exists Trans-race, whereby one feels white, but trapped in a black body, so they alter the colour of their skin and change their bodies, so that they can be similar to the whites because they feel that way inside.

7. It is just a wave and a season

Every period of time, a decade or a century or even a year, there are new trends that humanity sets. Sadly, they are not long lasting. At one point, having an Afro and bell bottom trousers was the “in thing” but try wearing the same now, and you will look like a clown.
The same thing will happen to the bleaching craze, it is the “in thing” right now but it will be over and something else will come up and the wave will carry with it masses.

So, to bleach or not to bleach? Well, I learnt in my first ever psychology class that WHAT IS IN THE INSIDE WILL ALWAYS MANIFEST IN THE OUTSIDE. Most of our external conflicts are deeply entrenched in our internal conflicts. What I am trying to say is, the reasons for bleaching is due to external factors like; you will never get married, you will never get a gig, you will never travel or succeed, black is horrid… they are all external factors that causes conflicts in our internal being.
I feel and think that we can succeed, get jobs, travel, make money, become experts in our careers and reach the upper echelon of this world with a BLACK skin. But if you have made a choice to alter your skin color for reasons known to you, and you are at absolute peace with the reason, go ahead and do it.

yours truly

Saitu Lemayian

@saitu1987

How children need their parents at different ages.

Between birth to age 12

Your child needs a care giver. The most important thing in this period is TIME. Time to teach your children values and skills, time to BOND with them. Connecting your heart to theirs, your mind you their, your will to theirs, your emotions to their. At this time, children need someone to trust, someone to learn from.
It is important to know that personalities and purpose is known at this age. Parents absence in their children’s life at this stage is likely to breed, low self esteem, fear and inferiority complex without forgetting that at this stage, if your child is not empowered enough, they may become a target of sexual predators and bullies. As a parent, do anything you can to create time with your child, it is their language of love at this point.

Ages 12 – 19 years

These are the teen and adolescent years that most parents dread. This is the point where friends are more important than parents, peer identity and influence takes precedence. This is the point of identity crisis as suggested by psychologist Erick Erickson. How would teens want to relate to their parents?

All a teenager wants from his/her parents apart from care giving is FRIENDSHIP. But most parents feel like this is the stage to become more of a military officer in the house rather than a friend. Because of this, most children create a huge drift between them and the parents.

Why a friend? Friends have three characteristics that a teenager wants.

• A friend is non judgmental. I can talk to my friend about anything without the fear of rejection and tongue lashes. A friend loves unconditionally despite the vices and virtues we posses.
• I am a hero to my friend and he is my hero. There is a shared admiration among friends. These sense of admiration fuels a teenager’s self esteem.
• A friend keeps me accountable. A good friend tells me what I am doing wrong, he sees it and warns me in a non judgmental way, not with anger and malice.

If parents were available to their teenagers in a friendly way of course not forgetting the fact that they are parents and authority in their teenagers life’s, then I am sure that the rates of teenage suicide, pregnancy and drug abuse would go down.

The challenging part is most parent think that, becoming a friend to their teenagers will be a green light for them to do more dirt. But it is far from the truth, why? Teenager are trying to look for their identity and when you give strict rules, a lot of dos and don’ts just breeds more curiosity for them to try out in their quest for identity.

Ages 20 and above

As young adults, mid and late adult stages, we need an advisor. Someone who will share wisdom with us.
During this stage we have a lot of important life decisions to make. Education, career, dating, marriage, investments and more. Dad what do you think about this idea? Mum what do you think about this girl? Dad I want to work in this company, what do you feel?
The role of the advisor is for a life time until death. As parents to adults, it is important that you are available to your children as an advisor, teach them adulthood, independence, savings, marriage and the likes.

I was having a discussion with a father one day and he told me “Nelson, I feel like I have failed my son, I have never really taught him how to transition from a teenager to an adult and the responsibilities it comes with.” I am glad to report that he is now doing that.

It would be good to have the whole combination throughout life. It is a lot of work, giving care needs creation of time, being a friend requires you to be non judgmental, being an advisor needs you to be wise.

God bless.

Yours truly

Saitu Lemayian

He Who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor with God….

It is interesting that the scripture does not say “he who finds a good wife finds a good thing and favour with God,” it just says, “he who finds a wife…” what of those who find a bad wife, is it also a good thing? Do they still find favour with God? I was talking to a friend of mine about it and she told me, “eeh, you go ahead and marry a bad wife and see if that is a good thing.”

But, it is not about finding a good wife or a bad wife, it is deeper than that. Let me expound.

Finding

Finding connotes that one was searching, and it is not just about searching, but it is searching with an intention and a purpose. We don’t just search for anything, there is a purpose behind our search. When we have an assignment or want to find something on the net like google for example, we click the search button with an already typed object of search.

Another interesting aspect of finding is the elimination process. Hardly do we instantly find that which we are or were looking for after the first searching expedition. We find something that looks like the one we were searching for or even better.

Searching

Why do we search? We search because there was an underlying need. We realized a need in our life’s which forces us to search for something or someone to meet the need or help us meet the need.

Some needs like hunger, thirst and even sex, elicits natural reflexes in us to meet them. When we are hungry we need food and so we search for food.
Other needs like looking for a companion or a life partner goes deeper than hunger and thirst. It comes from a deep sense of self identity and realization.

Self knowledge and identity

Before we need, we must have reached a deeper sense of self knowledge. Before we need a mate or a life partner, we must have reached a higher level of self identity and knowledge that pushed us to become conscious of the need for a life partner, in this case a woman.

Before a man even needs a woman, searches for her and eventually finds her, he must have known himself well, this knowledge must have made him realize that he needs a wife.

But, before he knows himself or for a man to know himself, he must know where he is from, he must know his perfect image and likeness, he must know his blueprint.

Knowing God

For a man to know who he truly is, he must know God, because of the very simple reason that a man is created in the image and the likeness of God. To know God leads one to know self. We come from Him, the only way to know who we are, is by knowing where we are from. In addition, the knowledge of God gives us a clear picture of what our purpose really is.

Summary

He who finds, searched, and searched for a long time. He sometimes found some that are better or some that are worse. But, how did he know what he was searching for? The answer is simple, he knew his needs, which come from a higher sense of self identity and knowledge which led him to have a greater sense of purpose. This true knowledge come from the knowledge of God our creator, because He made us in His image and Likeness.

Finding a wife is not easy. It is a long process; knowing God, knowing self, knowing purpose, realizing the need for a companion, searching for her (with a clear picture of what he is looking for) and finally finding her, which is a good things. May wisdom reign, Peace and grace upon you.

Yours truly

Saitu Lemayian

@saitu1987

The Art Of Thanksgiving

We are creatures of complaining and murmuring, it is one of the earliest observed characteristics of the Israelites documented in the Bible and we followed suit. Giving thanks is a hard thing to do because of reasons that I am going to give shortly. It is very easy to see the negative all the time, complain about everything and everyone, but very few people take the opportunity to sit down and give thanks.

I had a challenge for myself this year, to set aside one day of the week to be thankful. In this day I will not complain, nor get angry, nor request for anything, I will just be thankful to the people around me, in the situation and to God. I came to find out, it is easier said than done.

I chose Wednesdays as my Thanksgiving Day. I was excited to see Wednesday come. So when it finally came, I woke up early in the morning and gave thanks to God and prepared to have a lovely Thanksgiving Day. As soon as I was about to leave the house, I was consumed with a huge feeling of dissatisfaction and just like a flood, all the troubles in my life just found their way into my conscious mind.

I became so angry, so disappointed, so frustrated. I started uttering curse words, to make it worse the matatu driver that day made very irrational detours that made me late. My Thanksgiving mode was gone just like that. I struggled to find something to be thankful for, at that particular time, there was nothing.

Soon after, I became torn between four things that was an eye opener for me in regards to Thanksgiving.

1. Never let Thanksgiving come from a point of comparison.

I did not want to give thanks for a situation I was in because I was comparing myself with another person’s misery. I didn’t want to say “thank you God for my job because I know there are many people who are unemployed or searching for a job,” neither did I want to say “thank you God for my health because I know many people are admitted in the hospital,” nor did I want to say “thank you God for life because I know many people wanted to see this day but they couldn’t.” No, I didn’t want that route of comparison.

I realized that it has become a norm, to be thankful just because you saw someone else’s misfortunes. I did not want that, I just wanted to be thankful because I was really thankful and I know that where I am and where I was totally different. I wanted to be thankful because of progress, movement, freedom, talents, a job that helps me meets some needs and helps me serve people… Not because of comparison.

2. Never say thank you because you want to impress the others person or God.

I didn’t want to give thanks to impress God or others, because God knows if it is a fake or a legitimate Thanksgiving. I want and wanted my Thanksgiving to be very Authentic and real.

3. Never give thanks out of duty or command.

I didn’t want to give thanks out of duty or command. I wanted it to be deep from my heart, my soul and mind. I wanted it to flow freely from within because I am and I was really grateful.

4. Start small.

Sometimes it feels like a lot of troubles are tagged in our lives that it chokes the Thanksgiving from us. Sometimes we look in all directions and find trouble and nothing to be thankful about. It happens most times, like in my situation. But I learnt to start small and build up day by day. Start with one day of Thanksgiving, with one thing that you are really thankful about, which you mean and which is authentic. It is better to have that one thing you are thankful about rather than a fake list emanating from commands, suggestions, fear, anxiety and guilt, and comparison.

Soon after I found my juice back, with that in mind, I went into Thanksgiving mode, and I was truly thankful without any reservations of show-offs, duty, faking and comparison, I was thankful because I really meant it.

So I challenged myself and I’m challenging you, get a day of thanks giving. Start with a day, start with one person or one things or one thing about you that you are grateful for. Start small, and soon you will have a heart of Thanksgiving everyday, every hour and in every situation. Write the thank you texts, make the thank you calls, write the thank you cards and letters, to your friends, family, spouse, boss, parents, children and everyone else who really touched your life in a special way. Be grateful to God and be grateful in situations, it is a great attitude to embrace and embody in our daily lives.

Thankfully Yours

Saitu Lemayian

@saitu1987.

Why do people cheat? part III (Learnt behavior)

In case you missed part one why do people cheat? part I (my body is mine) and part two why do people cheat part II (insecurities and fear of loss)

​I believe that cheating is also learnt and reinforced. I believe that no one is born a cheater, or no one intends to cheat and hurt the partner, I believe that they learn how to cheat and continue at it because of some reward they are getting or have been caused to do so. 

In the field of psychology and which I practice, learning is at the epicenter of the discipline and it is backed by a myriad of theories. In this case I am going to talk about three theories of learning that will help us best understand cheating.

1. Conditioning

We learn through conditioning. Conditioning is generally learning by association. This was coined by a physician called Ivan Pavlov. He experimented with a dog, a bell and food. He noticed that when he brought food to the dog it would salivate at the sight and smell of food. 

He then introduced a bell before the food. The bell would ring then introduced food after. He then realized that the dog would salivate when it heard the sound of the bell. It had associated the food and the bell. Therefore the bell elicited the urge for food and salivation. The dog was now caused to salivate by two stimuli. The food and the bell. 

It was therefore discovered that human beings also learn through conditioning by association. We have associated Monday with blue emotions, we have associated weekends with rest, we have associated tribes with prejudices, we have associated dark clouds with rain and so on and so forth. 

2. Reinforcement

Learning through reinforcement was proposed by BF skinner, you can read more about his theory of operant conditioning.

But to make it easy for us, operant conditioning proposes that a behavior can be made stronger through reinforcing the behavior through either rewards or punishments. When a behavior is rewarded it becomes stronger and increases the probability of it happening again. When a behavior is punished it decreases the probability of it happening again.

In reinforcement and operant conditioning theory, there are two concepts that BF skinner talk about. Extinction and spontaneous recovery. Extinction is whereby a behavior disappears, and spontaneous recovery is whereby a behavior that had previously extincted reappears once again. I shall talk about that in depth as we continue.

3. Learning by observation

This applies to all of us. We learn a lot of things through observation. How we dress, how we drive, how we eat, how we move and so many other elements of our lives are and were learnt through observation.

LEARNING IMPLICATIONS ON CHEATING

1. Conditioning

In the first case, most people who cheat have been conditioned to cheat. The experience of cheating gets associated with many things. For example, if you cheated when your spouse went for a business trip or for one reason or another he/she was away from home, then cheating and an absent partner becomes associated. The person would then have a huge inclination to cheat when the partner is away. If you cheated on your spouse because you met an ex, or you were in a party, or you were in the club, or you had an argument, or the other person was cute or rich, then these are associated with cheating. They become the stimuli that evokes the urge to cheat. 

A cheater has associated some activities and environment with cheating, whenever the activities, situation or environment is presented to them, the strong feeling of infidelity arise, sometimes they can’t do anything about it or it becomes extremely hard to do otherwise.

The same way, the dog salivated because of the bell and not necessarily the food, is the same way a person would cheat when the associated stimuli presents itself.

ONE OF THE COMMON WAYS THIS HAPPENS IS WHEN ONE IS RAISED IN A POLYGAMOUS FAMILY, THEREFORE A MAN MIGHT GROW UP CONDITIONED THAT IT IS PROPER FOR A MAN TO HAVE MANY WOMEN. 

2. Reinforcement

In the case of operant conditioning, whereby we learn by reinforcement, reinforcement here meaning punishment or reward, we find that cheating has been rewarded and therefore the behavior has been strengthened.

We all have a reward station in our brain (nucleus accumbens) and reward chemicals, in this case I’ll concentrate on dopamine and endorphins. These act as an internal reward or pleasure stations. When we have fun, laugh, have sex, and even do drug, these chemicals are released in our brains and makes us feel high, feel good, feel excited, and that is why we would want to do it again and again.  

It is evident that the forbidden breeds curiosity. When something is forbidden, there is an urge to do it, and these chemicals of pleasure and reward are released. 

When someone cheats for the first time and the experience elicits some reward, the adrenaline rush of having two or more men and women may stimulate a reward in the brain, and these rewards pushes someone to continue cheating, simply because they are getting a reward and getting high internally.

Among most men, cheating attracts pride among his men’s peers. When some men cheat on their spouses, they can’t wait to brag about it to their peers, for the admiration and to have the “player crown.”

Men would hardly share sexual experiences between them and their wives and any sexual details to their friends, but they will share in details and even show pictures of their sexual experiences with the other woman. It bring some rewards. 

It is a natural human reaction to continue with a certain behavior (good or bad) if there is a reward. If someone cheats and the experience arouses them, then they will have an inclination to that behavior.

It has been said that “once a cheater, always a cheater.” As stated before, this is a case of extinction and spontaneous recovery. A cheating behavior can be punished to the point of extinction, where the person reforms. But if this person is continually exposed to the causes of cheating again and again, they may just go back to their old ways, this is called spontaneous recovery, whereby a behavior that’s was previously extinct, starts showing up again. 

3. Learning by observation. 

I had a colleague one time who was a serious womanizer, he had at least three women a week. He was rich and had the resources to have these women, who were attracted to his money. In the office, we had another colleague who was a serious family man, his phone was full of pictures of him and his family.

My “player” friend would share with us about all his experiences and the new women he had sex with. Especially the interns or the graduate trainees as they would call them.

Slowly by slowly my “Family Guy” colleague started having the same behavior. Soon he got a “side chic,” and would no longer talk about his family but would brag to us about the other woman. Like my “player” colleague, he started sharing with us details and photos of the other woman. He had observed and learnt the art of cheating and slowly but surely he started practicing it. 

I was not dating at that time, but I had a player mentality already and I could see how cool having different women was. What happened to us? We started learning by observation. I don’t know about the other guy and what happened to his marriage, it has been years since I last saw them, but over the years I found good mentors and observed marriages and relationships that works, and it has shaped and sharpened me differently now. We can learn good and we can learn bad only by observation.

Observation not only includes friends like in my case, but also includes the media and literature. If you watch so many programs, be it movies, series or reality shows on cheating, it will lead you to cheat. If you listen to programs that encourages cheating or glorifies cheating, then it may lead you to cheat, therefore guard your heart and your mind. 

Conclusion

So, if you cheat, cheated or are cheating in your relationship, or, you have been cheated on, or someone is cheating on you then maybe… 

• You either learnt it by association, or the other person learnt by association. There is something that is happening in your life or in their life that is eliciting cheating. Their brains have associated whatever they are going through or you are going through with cheating. Find it out and break the association.

• You get some reward from it, or they are getting a reward from it. The experience is rewarding, internally or externally. Internal reward involves the brain and the pleasure chemicals it releases, and external rewards includes bragging or affirmations from friends. 

• You learnt by observation, or they learnt by observation. Very simply put, you are or they are practicing what they have seen or heard. 

Now you know……

……. End of part Three….

Why do people cheat? Part II (Insecurities and fear of loss)

In case you missed part 1, get it on this link why do people cheat? part 1

​Buried deep in the heart of a cheater is pent up insecurities and fears of loss. 

The causes of the fears and insecurities varies from one individual to another. Human beings are dynamic and not all our experiences are the same. What one regards as fear is seen with a less sense of fear from another person. 

We have all lost someone or something, through death or many other modes of separation. Loss is a tough thing to digest, it is painful and the process of healing is long and tiring. As such, it is normal for human beings to look for ways to ease the process of loss and grief. 
What is it about fear and insecurities.

Insecurities and fear comes from a perceived sense of eminent loss. 

Fear and insecurities are a crippling experience. Living on the edge is tough, because it keeps you guessing and your brain goes into a frenzy. The brain starts creating stories of perceived doom and gloom. The above keeps us on flight fight mode for all our lives.

These experiences of fear and insecurities are tiring and heavy, and like any other burden, we would do anything to make it light or get rid of it. Over the years we have adapted ways of dealing with our fears and insecurities; for some it may be drugs, either legal or illegal, to numb the pain, some people will take antidepressants and others will take Johnny walker. Others will seek professional help, others will take up sports or other relaxing activities like swimming, others will day dream, others will self mutilate, and the list goes on and on. 

We would do anything to let go or stop feeling afraid or insecure. But in life we have sunny days and rainy days, it applies to everything and everybody. As such, we have adopted the concept of INSURANCE. Insurance is a cover. The dictionary defines insurance as “a thing providing protection against a possible eventuality.” In case something bad happens I am covered.

What is it about insurance?

Insurance builds in us a concept of what if? In the life we are living in, we have a lot of what ifs to contend with. In the long past, our forefathers contended with the fear of wild animals attacking them, therefore caves and fire played a great role in helping them. They were also afraid of other villages or kingdoms attacking them, so they had weapons and armies as an insurance. In the current era, the biggest crisis is money, so having a job is a great security, having a flourishing business is a great security, investment and savings are great insurances. 

In essence, insurance is security from real or perceived danger or sense of loss. 

Insurance and relationship/marriage.

When it comes to relationships and marriage, insurance has become and necessity because of the rampant wave of infidelity and miss trust that is sweeping over marriages and relationships. We have heard them on radio, watched them on TV, read them on many of our literature platforms. Most of us have grown scared of relationship and marriages because of what we are all witnessing.

As such, fear and insecurities have cropped up in relationships and marriages, and like any other phenomenon attacked by fear and insecurities, insurance have ensued in marriages and relationships as a way to be in a relationship and at the same time be safe, in case something happens.

What does this imply? 

At the heart of most cheaters, lies a deep seated sense of fear and insecurities. 

One person in the relationship has had a long history of loss, either physically or emotionally. Because of these deep seated fears and insecurities, they may start feeling that they may also loose their partners. Because they have gone through loss and they know how that stings, they look for ways to shield their hearts and minds, how? By looking for a different relationship outside so that in case the current one does not work, they have an emotion insurance.

A cheater cheats because they are insecure. They fear loosing the relationship and the emotional turmoil that accompanies the loss. Therefore they get an emotional insurance in the form of another relationship, or keep someone hanging somewhere. They have someone whom they show that things can work out, but not now, keeping them just in case they loose their current relationship, they can clearly state their availability to the person whom they have been keeping hanging. 

Sadly, this never ends, because they may start feeling insecure about the other man or the other woman, and therefore they look for another man or another woman to cover it up, the insecurities continues and more relationships start, and the inevitable happens, they loose all the relationships. They thing they were so afraid of loosing by having an emotional insurance end up causing them more loss and grief.

If you are a cheater, at least you have a glimpse as to why you have such behaviour. It is a high time you deal with the fear and insecurities and get closure on the losses in your life through professional help. 

Some people have just lost too much, and they can no longer bare the thought of another loss. Therefore they enter into defense mode, to protect themselves, and part of these defences are emotional insurance

In the case of loss and grief, read more on loss and grief and how to heal on this links, loss and grief and Overcoming and healing from loss 

If you have been cheated on, you know the reason why it happened and how to look out for it so that it doesn’t happen and hurt again, not only that, but also understand why the other person is doing it and ways to help them heal from their past and make their future better. 

……..end of part two…….. 

Nelson Saitu

Counsellor, therapist.